Bleak Winter

Pre CNY high

2006-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ugh.. God.. i'm never going to take any alcohol with Red bul again.. after last night's intoxication Via E33 and Red bull.. Geez.. didn't know u could get that high from just a few sips...

Anyways.. It;s CNY reunion tonight.. Gosh.. time really flies.. i'm going to job hunt soon.. hope that damned diploma comes out soon.. Feb 14's gonna be a btich, that's for sure.. Steam boat tonight.. Shows coming in Feb...

Alright.. guess there's nothing much to blog anyway... Since no one reads this crap...

Pulling myself together

2006-01-22T00:25:00.000-08:00

Gathering what pieces of reason and rationale that i have... I've decided to post a better account of last night.. Basically, it all ended in a desire to be happy, and to make him happy that we made out.. I didn't think about you, Kero. because i was too cnfused to think about anything else. But when i made that move to tell you the truth about my feelings you shunned away from me.. i shall respect you decision.. At the expense of my sanity..

I'm so bloody depressed and empty again at the moment.. Feeling the void in my soul growing bugge everyday.... what can i possibly do ? Nothing i guess.. I have absolutely no idea what else i can do with my life....

Solitude, Sin, Sorrow

2006-01-21T10:07:00.000-08:00

Went out with 宝贝 Xu feng today... Went shoppign abit... and then , we were caught in a heavy rain, so we bought tickets to "Memoirs of a Geisha", and sat in the cinema to wait out the rain.. and, as you should ALL know, trapped in a cinema with someone you have feelings for.. it gets unnerving..

I won't regret making out (Just plain making out, no sex involved), neither will i ever regret telling you, Kero, all that i did.. cuz i don't wanna hide nothing from you.. but your decision, i should have foresaw it..

Lettiong go of One person is hard.. now i have to let go of 2... I've had enough.. no more love for me... I'm sick of it..

Gosh.. those darn tears are back... Who knew i still had the capacity for tears...

Sorry Kero for all i did. Sorry for ever loving you.

Sorry myself, for ever trying to love someone again.

2006-01-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

Met my baby last night for supper afetr his work... thought of actually droppign by and fetching him, but Trina told me th eonly Shop N Save was at Giza plaza, so i travelled all the way before asking him.. and he was at the branch at some block in Clementi.. ahh well.. so i travelled back to meet him at the interchange.. I bought him sushi and Famous Amos cookies.. And.. we had a light supepr together.. It was quite romantic.. could see the silly boy was very tired.. and he agreed to stay over night at my house.. we kissed near the bus stop (Yay for me...!)

travelled all the way home..took our showers, and went to sleep.. Kissed a bit.. haha.. he fell asleep very very quickly.. And was sort of tempermental i guess. even snored.. kept me up pretty much most of th enight.. but its ok i guess.. at least i hugged and kissed him throughout the night.. He woke up pretty early.. we made out and went back to sleep.. haha

Sort of overslept, had to rush him to work (still late though.. Bugger), had lunch nearby and travelled back (waved to him on the way to the bus stop)

And i napped all the way home.. haha.. and feel asleep not long after.. woke up less than an hour ago.. Gonna go get prpared soon ... *YAWNS*

Right people.. all the best to me!

Amor llevado de la lluvia

2006-01-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. damn... I'm stuck at home.. i need a job.. Myheart.. is very confused, hit thiter hiter by mixed emotions.. ahh well

Anyways, met some people i really liek recently.. Jove does really seem to hate me.. spent some quality time recently... haha

Anyways.. Here's my new "blood feast".. cute isn't he? :P
http://img3.imageshack.us/my.php?image=th1303023img5zb.jpg

He's mine, fellas.. hands OFF or i'll fight you fang and nail.. anyways..

Clubbing day's tomorrow. update you guys more on me and him as soon as i can anyway...

My absolute madness

2005-12-31T16:32:00.000-08:00

It appears I AM pretty sadistic... With the recent revelation by the glee i obtained from my friend's pain when he had a tattoo done..

Oh.. Love... Eludes me again.. My heart is breaking into a million pieces.. how many more pieces can it possibly shatter into? One last shot.... before my national service.. one LAST time...

I don't know what to think anymore.. I need Sex.. I crave Sex.. Why? it's a substitute.. Call it delusion, illusion, enchantment and Lie... But it satisfies the one thing i will never own... Companionship.. no matter how short..

I'm such a cheap whore.. such a slut..

Feeling so empty..

I'm beginning to love myself..

The STAR is rising! RAWR

2005-11-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Genltmen... I'm FINALLY single again! and now, i'm going to do what i like best: PERFORM! Even if it IS drag and it IS bad or my (Or so they say) "market value"( Whatver the F*ck it means, not that i care)...

Come on boys! Lay it on me! Where's a good top when you need one?! *Rawr* Tiger...! *RAWR*

Pay homage to the Sprakling jewel! I WILL own everyone's ASS and respect!

blah blah.. what the heck?

2005-10-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

bleahz.. life sucks...

I was with my darling at chinatown yesterday.. we sat down at this place called Chinatown eating place or something like dat.. and OH MY GOD! the food there costs a bomb! Spring rolls at $5 each! A plate of fried rice was $10! no wonder the freaking place was empty...

Found a great place to buy drag stuff.. mwahaha... and i don't know if it's an insult or compliment, but this weird indian priest told me i was pretty despite the fact dat i did NOT have any makeup on...

HALLOWEEN draws near! AHH!!.. so damned excited!

I can hardly wait...

Kidnap the Sandy Claws... Lock him in a box...

2005-10-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

Bleahz.. i'm FINALLY back.. i'm finally attached! wee.. anyways.. it's almost a month we've been together. it's been a hard and difficult road, but at least we're still together...

the 2nd term is ALMOST over.. which means i'll be going into the army sometime next year.. c an't say i'm really looking forward to it... Projects.. argh.. oh how i hate thee....

Live is traumatising , irritating, not to mention super surprising.. My friend Sean passed away the night after i clubbed with him.. depressing...

Hope in Darkness

2005-08-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

And i saw a probable answer to my needs and desires... he stood just beyond my grasp.

we had barely just met, but the comfort and security... and his insecurity... makes me feel.... Loved and wanting to love this cute boy.. awww..

He's amazing.. and.. well, not to say the wrong we almost did... i feel i have a certain responsibility... if nothign more..

too tired to blog more... just too damn tired...

Here's a pic of us

Clouded Eternity

2005-08-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

And the Throne of emotions was shrouded in fog... A chilling despair that suffocated all else.... my mind ran trhough the past, and the bittersweet beverage of my cognition began to sprout forth from those crystals of my soul...

I stared upon the bloodied walls.. knowing that someone was calling, but i could not answer..

A silent scream escapes me into the night...

Goodbye Caz...

i'll never forget

"
whatever you say. I guess it's really simple for you to say that. "let's just be friends" all of a sudden. Great Wally.
I have to go. I wish you all the best. Take care okay? BB."

I'll forever remember

Phantasmagoria

2005-08-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

A series of irritatingly connected events are begunning to dominate my life,namely: Work, Love and Studies.

It has come to my attention that i'm working for relatively low pay.. i think i'll ask for a payraise next month.. if not.. maybe i thin it's time i quit.. i'm getting tired of smiling at people everyday... The bosses are nice, but work and personal life are 2 seperate entities...

which brings me to the next point : LOVE

It's been a heart-wrenching month, but decisions need to be made. I've decided on a few things, while others aren't quite as easy to settle... Sighs.. Oh cupid, why can't you spare me the trouble? Oh Venus, where is my knight or princess? * DepresseD*

Studies.. oh how i hate thee... XD

Exams start onmonday, but i ain't done studying... ARGH!!! damn it... DAMN IT ALL!!

its becoming increasingly hard for me to hold my act together... Sighs...

I went for a haircut today, just as a side note..

And yeah.. i don't feel like hiding the fact that i'm Bisexual from my family anymore... but can they accept? It's rather vexing... Yoo feel liek confessing, but you know this is not the time... I dont know what to do seriously...

Forgotten Memories: My heart lies torn in the moonlight

2005-08-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

And my heart was hung upon the rotting oak's branches, as i lay under the clear starless night..Drops of crimson life seeping through my chapped lips...

Tears no longer flow as the throne of emotions has been detached, thought no longer needed as my soul has been rendered useless...

Luna snickered from her high vantage, as i slowly drifted into the abyss....

to find life anew amidst death

Get over you?

I will.

If nothing else....

At least i have nothing much to lose

Except tears which have not been shed since eternity

Sins, Agression, Moi Meme Moite.. FEAR

2005-08-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

I met Esther, Stephanie, Wayne 2 days ago. I knew Wayne from Streetfest and a few other Cosplay events, but i didn't really get to KNOW him... till yesterday, that is... He's such a cutie pie... Haha... Anyways..

Yeah.. Esther and Stephanie loved e on first sight, claiming i was "androdgynous" and "pretty".. i can agree with the first one, but not the second. Haha... anyways...

Yesterday, i went to stay at Esther's house. but before that, i had alot of fun carrying Wayne around... haha.. and i frenched Wayne and bit him quite a bit at her house...

Well... should i say french? Not really.. more like tonguing each other... haha. he was enthusiastic i'll say, but lacked skill. lol... no kissing and biting. it was fun... no real intentions meant...

Yeah... anyways...

(I made french toast for Breakfast, just as a side note)

this morning, i was getting really carnal.. i think my emotions were abit mixed and all... but i straddled and tried to french Wayne alot this morning... failing so, i bit him a couple of times... And... suddenly, when Esther was on the phone... I don't know what ever possessed me... but i picked wayne up, brought him to the room, Threw him on the bed, straddled him, and literally dominated him... Kissing his neck, licking his ear... Biting his earlboes.... Biting him... All the while hoping to french him... he resisted, of course... who wouldn't?

But i was the bigger and stronger one, so he couldn't escape... and only when Esther told me to stop did i realise what i was doing... I feel soooo....

Weird.

Confused.

Lost.

Wayne must hate me now..........

anyway. after that,we went to town. shit happened, and we ended up shopping... i applied black lipstick, and sort of freaked alot of people out. XD

Chill peeps...

Woo hoo... and ugh....

2005-08-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

I;ve been down recently with cough, flu and worst of all, a mild case of food poisoning... >..< I could hardly drag my self to wrok , back and school.. but i;ve survived somehow and i;m getting better... (Hopefully)

I joined Alston and his friends for a chat At plaza Singapura yesteday.. not surprising, they're all gays.. i got to know of a forum for guys called SGBOY from one of them called Jasper (who just had to HAPPEN to be my school JUNIOR).. SO i made a profile here just for the sake of it..

and Guess wad?

I've been Getting "KISSES" alot.. YAY! People actually like me! XD

I'm getting to know more people who aren't straight now, and i feel so so much happier than i was... I canm finally enjoy company of peopel who can understand and share my experiences...

Hetero, Bi, Homo... Sigh

2005-07-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

it's been about 2 to 3 months since i;ve admitted to myself that i;m Bisexual. In fact, I told alot of peopel that. it's true, i guess, i DO like both girls AND guys.

But now, i can't make that same decision anymore. I liek girls, no doubt about that, but i;m beginning to like guys more now. Quite alot more. Why? i don't know. I;ve seen so many girls. SO MANY. non of them desirable. They;re all so close, yet so far... They don't appeal... WHY? Guys seem so much more attractive..........

Am i Gay?

or Am i BI?

I DON'T BLOODY FUCKING HELL KNOW

I'd Give alot right now to just clarify it , just once, to have a definite answer.

For Him the bells toll

2005-04-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, it is with heavy heart that I have heard that Jonh Paul II, the pope of the Roman Catholic church, has died in Vatican.

Throughout my short-lived life, I have both heard and seen him on the media. However, I have no feelings for this man. Reading the memoranda that is left behind, I feel that it is the duty of everyone, Christian, Catholic or no, to grieve for sucha great man. he almost sigle-handedly ended the communist threat in Europe... Such is the loss of the world...

"Dear Lord, Forgive us of our sins,
May the pope John Paul II find rest
Eternal at your side. May your blessings
Come forth upon us and bless us
With a New pope.

Amen."

Mixed feelings and isomnia

2005-03-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Gods... I can't sleep... it's 2 o'clock for crying out loud... Why? I thik I mess her... I long to see her fc to face, even if it's just once... sigh... Oh god... There are so many things i want to say but i can't... stuff like meeting my old friends after so long... stuff like Justin, Stuff like those damned idiots screaming " Manliness and Chritliness are synonymous"... stuff like friends who got too close too quickly..

Ok.. one at a time then.. Well... i'm Confused, for one...Soemone out there actually, really loves me... gosh.. I don't know... it all seems too good to be true... *Sigh* She thinks i'm cute, loveable, etc.. but i don't think so... I mean, a girl who honestly WANTS a guy like me???

Next.. Meeting up with old friends... I don't know... they can't seem to accept the real me... the rebel, the provocative, the "I don't want to be the majority" minede me... Why can't they accept me just as I am? if they can't, thenm,aybe our friendship just has to go then... oh well... people come, people go... -.-"

Speaking of people going... well, there's justin. I don't know honestly what to think anymore. I don't even care about him anymore... Sure, i may ask of him now and then, but i don't want to associate myself with a person liek that, it makes me feel cheap... So bloody cheap...

then, there are friends who got too close too quickly... Ok, since she might or might not read this, i'm just gonna come out and say it, since it's always been my style... Coreen..,. The reason i don't want to come out anymore are various and numerous... one of them is that i really want to save up some cash. Secondly, there are things in my life I have to tkae care of. Thirdly, I want to lose this god-damned tan and fourthly.. You're too close... there are people whom I allow to be close to me, but I don't think you're one of them. How do I know? I have no idea.. You're just too close... You have your own lover and I have mine. let's just leave it at that... i'm afraid get close to people, and the reason is simple. People hurt me, and i hurt people. I don't want people to pry into my life, and i Don't want to reveal stuff that are just not meant for people to know. There are things that are saved for only a few to know... and you're ponderously close of overstepping the bounds i set for a normal friendship. I don't know. You and me, we're going to be normal friends, thats it... thats how I feel.. Sorry...

Nd lastly, those DAMNED idiots who condemn people like me... to hell with you nd your preaching and your morals.. you have your rights and i have mine. If you got a problem with me, we can fight it out, i don't bloody hell mind or care... at times like this i wonder why singaporeans can be so bloody close minded, dumb, ignorant and just outright bigotted! geez... and you wonder why other countries are prospering? the answer is very simple, if you would just OPEN you rmind to things happening around you, maybe you wouldn't be so dense and actually get yourself a NEW idea for once..

Bah, but still, I can't get to sleep... *sigh* oh ponderous and dark night, why do I not enjoy thy cold embrace?

Birthday!

2005-03-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today's my Birthday... well.. I don;t usually celebrate it... but my friends insist that I do.. oh well.. My hubby says to too... so i shall.. Haha...

Oh my! I got three more moles on my face! ARGH... >..< there goes my pretty face...lol..

Ok.. I am SOOO going to lose my tan... haha... I wanna cosplay Kaoru-sama... originally wanted to do Toshiya, but his costume would cost me WAY too much... so i have no choice in this matter... Geraldine's Mum is so nice... She's real helpful too! Kamsahamnida, Aunty!

I might do a DEATHNOTE cosplay someday... haha... well... depends... *Yawns* I'm sleepy, but I'm chatting with my wife now... so i shall strive to stay up *Puts toothpicks under rapidly closing eyelids*

spring time Scent: LOVE!!!

2005-03-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

WEEEZ! I am SOOO in love... yes... I LOVE YOU!!! my beloved SCORPIO!!!! Ahhz... anyway,*calms down*... I'm so glad you're in my life...

Anyway, back to business at hand... yes... it might be that people find me weird or poserish or even FREAKY, but hey... I DUN CARE! *WOOTS* Visual and Rock Appeal totally rule my life.. I LOVE to be provocative... bwahahas...

Now... lemme get this straight.. they're all my friends but why can't they understand dat I don't care abt their argument!!! ARGH! why can't they all be like my Karolina! Oh how i adore thee, my blonde goddes...

Condition of my Heart

2005-03-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

There's no help for it, i guess. it's self defense. There is no way I'll change my mind. Sometimes, I have to do things that no one can undertand, but in the en, it all boils down to protecting oneself. I was once a naive fool, but i shall no longer be one...

I'm just trying to express myself mostly, but people don't inderstand.. They call me names, they give me looks, but do I really care? not really... for me, it's all a matter of "me". Like I said, I love both guys and girls, and yet, I hate them at the same time. A few have earned soecial rank in my heart, and these are spared. The rest... Leave if you want. Don't arouse my anger

Depression amid joy

2005-03-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

The last 2 weeks has been really straining on my nerves... I got to know new friends, and parted with some people I once considered "comrades". I also revised my opinions on a lot of things recently...

Look, I know I've been receiving weird looks from people and all, but hey! This is MY life, and I will look how and what I WANT to, not how people WANT me to look. If you got a problem with that, go talk to Japan, alright? They started these "Visual" appeal stuff...

I just don't get it... Can't people understand I just want to be Myself, do what I WANT, Feel what I FEEL, say what I really feel like Saying? What's wrogn with being me? What's wrong with ME?

2005-03-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

The depth of human depravity... Sheesh... To think I trusted "J". "J", you bastard. Don't come crawling to me anymore. Drag yourself to the cesspit you were spawned from. To hell with you... Smitten with "M" aren't we? So smitten that you can't see people around you? People whom you know for half a year? Bloody freaking jackass! you hardly know her! can't you see she's toying with you?

I don't care anymore. I was there at the chalet to prevent you from being stuck with an all girl gang, you useless twit. Now, I don't care anymore about you. You can go and hide your face in some unkown cellar when you know the truth. How can you be SO CHEAP? Flinging yourself shamelessly at a girl who doesn't even CARE about you? Are you too blind to see what is happening around you? Like the fih caught in a swirling whirlpool, you will soon be sucked into that abysmal place of no return.

Fine. So be it, dude. "J", I hereby disown you as a friend, and take back all my promises to you. Oathbreaker, I claim you, for you broke your bonds of friendship, betraying my faith for misplace love. Oatbreaker once, Oathbreaker twice; for ignorance of your friends' emotions.

Don't come crying or i'll shove your face in Shit.

2005-03-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Woo... I'm into designing clothes at the moment.. so into it.. I know some of them don't look nice, but Hey, I'm not a trained professional, ok?

I've decided that I will join at least ONE cosplay convwention in my life, At least one. I mean, how many chances are there for you to crossdress and roleplay someone you like?

hmmmz... dang. i flunked my math. Can't really go anywhere, so, I've got to do Private diploma. Need a job now. Desperately. Lolz...

New beginning

2005-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided to look wadever i want... no more thinking of what others will think... this is ME... I want it, I'll get it... and that includes image... I painted my nails black, had my left ear-lobe piereced... got my eyebrows shaped... and... dyed my hair... gonna cut it soon... I got a lot of new clothes too... hahahz.... Dang
i m tired...

Singapore has such pathetic collections for guys clothes... we are SOOOO fashionally deprived... gals too... Gosh, didn't it ever strike them to have good looking clothes for teenagers? Damn our "sensibilities"... Fashion sense goes out the window due to our "conservative" culture *Spits* who needs such crap?

Forgotten memoirs

2005-02-12T23:22:00.000-08:00

"I Am what I am" and "I Am who I Am" are the philosophies of my life. I couldn't believe I was blinded but what I thought was faith.I'm turning my back on those things now. No longer will I seek them diligently. No sign has been given. No reply was given for all those endless nights of prayers. Sin indeed. *Snorts*

People from THAT church, if you EVER read this, DON'T pretend to miss me or welcome me. I KNOW what you do. You've forgotten me. I'm just a memory now. So is everyone who's not in your congregation. You're all one step short of claiming yourself "Illuminati". If you're so... "spiritual", so "Holy", Why then doesn't GOD grant you an your Church the name it needs? It's obvious isn't it. Don't call me, Don't SMS me. I don't need your pity. Don't push down the one track I almost took up. Don't make me walk the shadow paths again. I will, if you force me to.

Back to the topic. Gosh... Valentine's is round the corner. Sad, isn't it/ Us singles having to endure all those endless hand-holdings and hugs and kisses. Well, I'm on a one way ticket anyway, so who gives a damn. I'll try again. If I can't, ultimately, there are plenty more around to filrt with. *snorts* Like GOD cares! HE never gave me any help. I won't ask for any, since HE's so busy with all those "Oh GOD, please help me!" from all the churches.

2005-01-28T08:50:00.000-08:00

I'm Vain. I admit it. I'm so vain that I want to dress up and make over EVERYONE I know! *Sigh* I'm feeling depressed again. Gosh. I'm very moody today. I don't know why. Don't ask, cuz i can't answer.

I have this really empty feeling inside. I can't pray. I can't read the bible. I don't even feel liek going to church anymore. Backsliding? Perhaps. I'm sort of what a devout christian would call "All- Flesh". Too bad. I'm going to Hell for all my sins and tressgresses anyway. Sure, I've led a lot of people to the Altar to sanctify their souls, but me, I don't think I can go on anymore. No. The pain. The suffering.

"Sometimes our tears blinded the love." So goes the song "Tears" By X-Japan, composed and written by Yoshiki. Yes. That's how i feel. I don't feel needed, noticed and mot of all, Loved. In fact, that's what's making me feel so bad.

I can't go on much longer. God. Someone. Just show me your love. Some concern. I'm so sick. So dead inside.

Malice, Destruction and Hate

2005-01-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling melancholy today. Why? It's 1:56 in th morning, and I can't get to sleep. A problem, no, an issue lies heavy on my mind and heart. That's regarding Feminity. It struck me that I wa ssometimes excessively efeminique, Yes, I am. I'm feminine. So what? It's always been that way. We all have our own faults, don't we? My friends don't always admit it, but I can see from some of their eyes that they view me as something thy'd rather nt have contact with. Others view me with fear, as if my very existence threatens their way of life.

It's not as if wear dresses and wear make-up, or that I go around flirting with guys. It's just that I'm more genteel and graceful, more elegant and fussy. I know. Don't think for one moment I don't know what I'm doing. I ALWAYS know what i'm doing. People hate me. People like me. People fear me. People loathe me. So? "I AM WHO I AM" said the Lord to Moses in the bible. And thus it is with me. I'm erratic. I;m tempermental. I'm emotional. So? If Eshter can accept me for what and Who I am, why can't you? *Sobs*

So goes the song by X-Japan(remade by The TRAX) "loneliness, your silent whisper, fill the river of tears through the night." So true. Sometimes, I feel liek crying, but the tears flow inward, to my heart. "Memories, you never let me cry...." My memories, those that matter anyway, have always pulled me through, but those are always forever marred by the dark events that always precedes them. "And You, you never said goodbye" I never said Goodbye. Eshter never said Goodbye to me when I needed her. But so many people have goodbyes hovering on their lips for me. *Sobs*

Why am I cursed so? Why do people always have to expect things from me that are impossible to give? My Ex-chruch leader once told me "Han wei, you have to be more manly." Manliness? Macho? Me? We don't go together. My efeminiqueness comes from my upbringing and my blood. I got alot of my mother's qualities, and I think her femininity rubbed off. I was also raised in a nearly all girl enclave in my childhood. Girls, I noticed, were genenrally easier to accept by the general populace, and had more brains than guys. They were more mature too. That is why i never missed out on any occasion to be with the girls. They were always so... so... Accepting. So..... True. Yet... now? Now I have seen scorn. I have been rebuked. I have been rejected.*sobs*

Sometimes I don't even know why I try. I always hide. I always hide. My feelings. My true self. My character. Always hidden... a mask. A grotesque mask always frozen with a simple smile on its face. Why? Why do i have to hide? Why do I have to conform? To be accepted? I'm sick of that. It's always about them. It's always "the greater good", "the majority". What about us? What about me? What about the minority? Don't we matter? Don't we get a say? *sobs*

Nights like this, where the moon lies partially hidden behind her cloudy veils, hanging int he crimson sky, as if pianted with blood, makes me think if another like me cries out. If another is lost, another soul tormented till it conformed. Till it gave up. Till it died. *sobs* where is the love promised in the bible? Where are the rights so put down by our Government? Where have basic human compassion gone? Why do I even care? Why do I even live? *sobs sobs*

I don't know anymore. Nothing I do seems to get me closer to the answer. And now? Now, I cry. I cry inwardly. So it is. So it has been.. So it shall be. Sorrow an dpain without end. Amen. So shall it be.Anon.*Cries*

2004-12-21T03:32:00.000-08:00

Woots! I finally resigned... Damned... Finally! Sigh... so tired now... Bloody tired, bloody weary. Now I have to find a new job... sighz... But still, it IS what I wanted...

I saw some people making out last night... LOlz... So funny... Free show...

I'm feeling bone weary... going to sleep soon... *Yawns**

2004-12-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

Today started out as any other working day: Boring, slightly irritating and extremely stressful. I went home during my break period and slept after lunching with Umma. The sleep was a little too enjoyable for my liking.. this meant that my body is really tired and that i'm REALLY stressed... Sighz... I woke up slightly later then I expected.

At first, I expected what I had experienced for the last few days; no sales, boring and helping the F&V department do whatever was necessary. I made my rounds (for promotion) and met the section leader for the cashier that night, Shirley. She was very nice to me (as are all other staff... Mostly anyway). She wanted to know about the archives for my Christams order programme, so I went with her to the office to look at them. To my surprise, The LPO (Loss prevention officer, meaning our in-store detective) was there, and so was the Manager on duty, Sally. There was another lady, and she seemed to be a foreigner. She was seated at the desk, watched closely by the LPO and the Manager. There were a few items on the table, all of them ingredients for cooking curry. In curiosity, I asked them the all-important but all too obvious "Who is she?"

She was a shoplifter. Like, Duh...

I went back t my work not long after. It was about 5 minutes or so later that I was approached by Sally and the LPO Raffi... they both asked the same question "Did you see her?"

Apparently, the minute they didn't keep an eye on her, she had tossed all else to the winds and took off. And so, the excitement began.

We went about the store and even to the nearby toilets. She had escaped. Sally then told me that the LPO wanted me at the LRT station, and so I ran there( with my pouch full of my brochures). I was then praised for my quick actions. We proceeded upstairs, where I saw my mum and sis. I explained briefly with sign language, and Raffi decided that we should take a cab. And so, we went down, pickd up Shirlet, and took a taxi down to Pending, where the suspect stayed.

We "psychoed" her husband, and asked him in helping us track down our suspect. she DID call after 10 to 15 minutes, and the husband persauded her to return.He had to work, and so we went down to verify that he was REALLY going to work, and not rendevouing with his wife. After we wnet off, we began our wait... It was most exciting... Suddenly, I caught a flicker of movement form the corner out of my eye.. I couldn't see very well without my specs, but I could swear it was a lady... Suddenly, behind me, near a portal (an opening), another sudden movement caught my eye. I motioned to Shirley, and we decided to use the pincer tactic to flank our susoect. I was nervous... mostly, I couldn't prove that it WAS her, but I guess the coincidences in her dressing was reassuring. hirley approached her from the front, and I, from the back. I stalked her most carefully, my dancer training coming into use, as I made no sound in my approach. I only grabbed her when Shirley did. That was it, We caught her.

She was incoherent, babbling, mumbling, and her hands trembled... I knew she was frantic, and desperate people did desperate things, and one of those were violence. We continued to hold our "prey", and Raffi called for the police, who arrrived shortly to handcuff our suspect. It was interesting that my smattering of Hokkien actaully helped. I could almost feel our suspect's fear and desperation, but I was adamant: No way she was getting away from me.

All in all, I got many more praises from Rafi: He sadi I was handsome, Quick in movement and thinking, and had great instincts. He even emphasized that I had helped majorly in solving this case. I, of course, was blushing... lolz..

Today ahs proved that life is FULL of twists. A final twist to end this story: She stole ingredients for making curry; 4 bottles of chilli powder, lemon grass and cocnut milk, adn all these costed less than $10.

2004-12-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

I can REALLY begin to hate my manager. Sure, he's lenient and humrous and all, and nice to me, but he's certainly expecting me to do WAY too much! I can only bend so much before I break. He's stretching my resources a little too thin... First it's the basket-carrying, then packing for the cashiers, then packing th items on shelves, and still wants me to do public announcements when I'm not feeling well... and STILL expects me to do sales and all...... damned.

He still wants me to go back now (during my bresk time) to help him decorate the damned store... Grrz... Sighz... what else can I do? Just to show him that I still have my dignity, I'll do it later... when I FEEL like it... sighz... T.T ............

I'm REALLY looking forward to tomorrow. It IS my Off-day... sighz... just a few more hours, and a few more days... Just a little longer....

2004-12-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

Tired. Really. I've hardly had any time to myself after I got this damned job. Feel as if I'm on the last dregs of my strength at times. Crazy manager wants SOOOOOOO much... I mean, like... 100 SALES?!?! ARE YOU NUTS? I just told him that I will do my best... and that's all I'm gonna do... My voice is back (Partially... Herbal tea works... Kudos to Allswell Water chestnut and Sugarcane tea). How do I know? I can sing! lolz... ut the prob is, I'm catching the flu...... Damned...... Sighz... anyway....... I've been so busy that i've neglected quite a bit of my friends recently.... I DID catch up with a few old friends when I saw them yesterday though... Sandy and Linda were both unchangable... Still the same...... as always...... Looks like I'm the one that has changed the most.......

Working blues

2004-12-04T01:52:00.000-08:00

I've just started my work for like, 3 days. And I've also like, lost my voice. Firstly, it's due to all that shouting I did at prom. Secondly, it';s due to my job. This promoter business is dead tiring. you have to like, hold a smile for 4 or 5 hours, and keep saying the same things OVER and OVER. I've been saying the same tings like... 60 times already... and I've like, 16 more days to go. that's like, SO sick. I've a feeling that I'll lose my voice totally in two or more days.

Reports ALSO confirm that th emanager likes me. Damn. Wish he didn't though. He expects me to do EVERYTHING. Carry baskets, promote, be helpful, run errands... Grr... and he's only paying me a measly $4.31 per hour. What's more, I don't have any extra commision for getting the Christmas deals... Sigh...

Oh well,what can I do? I'll have to get my back to work pretty soon...

Pre-Prom Night Blues

2004-12-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

I'm a few hours away from the start of my prom... 1 hour and a half, to eb exact. Sort of nervous. I'm wearing something seemingly quite formal. This "no theme" thing's really getting on my nerves.

Then things go wrong.... Somehow, the shirt's a little bigger than I thought. Why? Cuz I can't see my cross and necklace. And then there's my hair: It refuses to listen to me... Hopefully, What I could do with it looks nice. Sigh... WHY ME!?!

Anyway, I gotta run soon... Will post more as soon as I get back. Somehow, I have a feeling the prom's gonna be boring, dull and sucky... Cyaz

2004-11-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

God bless us all... Finally, the 'O' level examinations are over! This period of respite has presented many problems. Namely: The Prom. What shouldI wear? What colour shall I dye my hair? How shall I style it? Whom shall I dance with? So many questions.... so little time. What a major pain. And you thought the 'O's were tough.

Anyway, I'll have to look for a job pretty soon. Guys out there who actaully read the crap I write, if you have any job offers, remember to drop me a message or a call. If you have a good deal and keep it in your closet, "Imma gonna git ya".

Threats and pleasentries out of the way, I can now safely claim that I am free of City Harvest. Perhaps an occasional visit might not be so bad, but I definitely ain't gonna stay there. It ain't no place for someone like me.

Going out tomorrow to shop for prom stuff, so I ain't gonna rant on much more. Cya guys

Of Idols and Men

2004-11-18T04:51:00.000-08:00

I'm honetly disappointed with Sylvester Lim, Aka Sly. He delivered, in my opinion, one wrong song after another... He's all pop and rock... So why choose "Music of the Night"? And "Picture of you" seemed a little bad to me too. "Kiss from a rose", Now, THERE is a song that I think he did well. And I don't believe that the Judges actually said that Taufik's rendition of "True to your heart" was good... Like... Huh? GOOD???? Well... maybe they've never heard the original version of the song... Olinda has my vote, definitely... I'll probably vote on the actual day itself... IF she delivers... I believe that she has the Vocals and the ability to deliver. She's good. Well... Guess Sly better buck up, or he probably ain't gonna get the record contract.

ANYWAY... Back to my life... the 'O's are finishing soon. To be exact, I just have one last paper to go. *Woots* Goodbye, Zhenghua Secondary School. Goodbye to little boys who hardly have brains bigger than their balls and girls who don't know what self-identity is. Goodbye to sucky teachers and lousy school staff. I must admit that I have had several good teachers, friends and memorable events in this school. However, the bad have always been mroe than the good.

I'm looking forward to the prom and the fun. I believe my sister is organising another outing to the beach again. I'm really enjoying these outings. Sure, i can't stand some of the people there, but they're more fun than they llok. Time passes real quick too. Associating with people my matyurity level has also done wonders to my mental and psychological health. Kamsa to you, Unna.

2004-11-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another smashing day... After taking that extremely sucky chemistry paper, I rushed home to prepare for yet another Sunset Bay excursion! Woo... The blazing sun felt good, but it definitely made walking on the sand a torture. The sand was hot.... VERY hot... now I know how those devotees who walk on hot coal feel like... OUCH... I really enjoyed myself yesterday... Why?

1) It has been a real difference in the lifestyle that I lead at the moment.
2) The fast-paced volleyball game( with all our little quirks and actions included)
3) A refreshing (but salty) dip in the cool sea water
4) The company of several grown-up, matured, thining individuals
5) Meeting two dancrs from Studio Wu. (WOOT!)

I even got myself a slight tan. Lolz... the only bad parts of the day was the fact that I had to stand all the way home from Town.... Ugh... Now my muscles ache, but hell, it was worth it! Anyway, that's all for the moment... you had to eb there to experience the magic, so what else can I say? Gotta run now, gonna check out a supermart that supposedly carries authentic foreign goods. Annyong!!

2004-11-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Oh man... how many days since i last blogged? A week? Darn... been sort of cooped up lately... all them darn papers.... anyway... Maths paper 1 was easy-peasy, but today's paper 2 is such a killer... hell, it kills better than cyanide!

I'm hungry... but i'm lazy.... what should I eat? Should I go downsatirs for some food? Or should I cook? Ho hum... I'm bored... Looking forward to tuesday.... Going to the beach again! Lolz... The sun, the sea... the fun... not to mention the bikini babes... :P

Anyway, nothing exciting's happened recently yhough... so that's all

2004-11-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

I'm Glad i'm rid of *you*. Get outta my life. I don't wanna see *you* for at least a year. And regarding the kor and mei thingy... We'll see about it, ok? My little dongsaeng... you dun deserve to be my dongsaeng at all... I'm glad you never really called me Oppa... Kor was nice, but Oppa has a deeper meaning to it... Thank GOD. Good riddance to you. Go ahead and love em... I'm back to my old self now... I CAN FLIRT... FINALLY.

Anyway, back to my stuff, and not bitching bout no one... Today was like, the first day of my 'O's? Yeahz... Dead beat... Everything I focused on came out *woot woot*... Lol.. Yeahz... Life seems better now, for SOME reason. Anyways... Yeahz.... ain't nothing spectacular bout my life at da moment... It be plain freaking boring now, Yo!

Looking forward to the end of 2 and a half weeks... Cuz i'll be free of this yoke called Secondary school life... I'll leave behind a past that I won't need to remember... Not ever....

Sucky day

2004-10-31T03:41:00.000-08:00

Today was terrible. To kick everything off, I nearly fell asleep during church service this morning. That's how sleepy I was. Hell, who wouldn't be if all they had were 1 and a half hours of sleep? I had decided to cook today. Howeve, Fate definitely wasn't smiling upon me. Why?

Firstly, the butcher totally destroyed my beef. He cut them into slices in such a way that I couldn't even slice them roperly. Next, the chicken for my ginseng chicken soup wa sort of old. Lastly, the Chawamushi was bland for my mum's sahre. I HAVE to investigate this matter.

Anyway, I haven't heard from her today. Yup. Definitely not. Guess she's busy. Yeah. Gotta go study later. Dead bored. Might not blog for a while. Maybe.

Cya guys...

Zuo Yu Wei Nan (Troubled on both sides)

2004-10-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

It's like, 2.10 in the morning. can't believe I'm still awake. I didn't get much studying doen today. There just wasn't any mood.I'm sort of missing her again. Sometimes, I think I don't treat my Dongsaeng well enough. Why? Because she still thinks of her Ex alot. It must be my fault. Love is so tragic. Perhaps it's retributuion?

Honestly, all this was my fault.

If I weren't such a flirt, I wouldn't be stuck today. No... It's all my fault.

And if that's not bad enough, the bloody bitch of a stalker rang yesterday. THAT totally spoiled my mood.

Currently, listening to the OST of "Summer Scent". Am so infatuated with ballads and ALternate rock at the moment. Wae? Simple... I'm just head over heels with "her". My friends and my God-sisters say I'm spoiling her... But isn't that what Boyfriends' do? And the fact that she neevr ever openly admits that I'm her boyfriend leaves me rather floored... Wae yo? Na neun not good enough for Tang Shin? Or is it just that we're not meant to be?

Of course, I could just leave her...

But I can't.

Not now.

I love her too much. Is there any reason why I sould leabe her? No. No. No.... ANNIYO! I'm going mad...

I need some advice... some guidance... some help... Who can help me?

No one.

What should I do?

Nothing...

Fatigue, Pain and Fun.

2004-10-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach yesterday... Sunset Bay of Sentosa, to be exact. It was fun, albeit a little tiring. The early morning drizzle assured a brief, dry spate during the afternoon. We were late (As usual. My Sis is NEVER early for ANY appointment). We took a bus there, and had breakfast despite ebing late. They were 6 of us then. it was then that I noticed that my sister's friend, Jace/Jayce, had brought a friend who wasn't a poly student. Apparenly, He's 16 too (AGAIN, he looks younger than I do... dang). He's from China, Guang Dong province, and girl's, trust me, he looks a little like Toro when ENERGY first came out. However, despite his rugby CCA, and the fact that he plays Basketball and soccer, he's super gentle and super nice... not to mention a little weak... He's skinny... REAL skinny. We went kayaking together, and the way he paddles is SUPER.... girly? There was ahrdly any strength in his strokes. I had to do most of the paddling... when it came to the time for us to carry the kayak ashore and having to turn it over turn over, I did most of the wrok... AGAIN!

Overall, it was fun. I have several bruises and cuts from the coral gathering and the beach Volleyball. I must say I really enjoyed yesterday. My sister's friends were all nice and friendly...a nd mature, for that matter. Why are all my friends so different? (School friends, anyway). My friends from otuside school are all pretty much matured, since most of them are working or in poly...

Best thign about yesterday? A LONG AWAITEd call from my dongsaeng!!! *Woot Woot* I'd gladly have more of such events if she calls me more often...Hahaz... Mgith not be blogging for a few days. MIGHT. Let's see how much temptation I can stand.

that's all. Annyong.

Drifting

2004-10-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

Dongsaeng's been kind of weird recently. She hasn't talked to me much, and seems to be troubled by soemthing. I can't quite put my finger on it. What the hell is wrong with me? I was NEVER troubled by stuff like this before... Only once? AND this is the second time?

The ending for the first one was a tragedy. Is this relationship heading in the same direction? I don't know. Unless we get our act together, this thing's gonna blow over fatser than a gale in Singapore: Damned quick.

I can feel us drifting. We are SO drifting. It's that obvious. Through years of flirting and all, if there's one thing I learnt, it's that when this happens, you can't do anythign unless your partner wants to do something about it.

Dongsaeng. If you ever read this... Give me a call or an email or SOMETHING. I don't think making me worried is the best thign to do at the moment. YOu may mean well, but this deliberate avoidance of the subject is eating me faster than a zombie bites someone in Resident Evil. You may be unable to give up someone in your past, and I don't mind. I'm willing to give you time. If I can change for you and stop flirting, than you'd better compromise and change too? Or I might just stop surpressing insticnt and go all out to flirt again. Oppa's always free to listen to you.

Bunshinsaba

2004-10-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Bunshinsaba, Bunshinsaba... Are you here?

Bunshinsaba, Bunshinsaba... Answer me...?

Was it meant to be?

For her to lose her Ezlink card today when I was like, totally busy watching "Bunshinsaba"?

Bunshinsaba, Bunshinsaba, draw near...

Tell me the future... were the twisted whispers real? Are the hidden fears true?

Am I losing my mind?

Bunshinsaba, Bunshinsaba......

*SCREAMS*

Twisted Whispers

2004-10-26T03:37:00.000-07:00

Lightning strikes... Thunder rumbles in the distance.

Soft pattering outside the window forewarned of heavier rains.

My heart thumped. It had been weeks since I last saw her. I pined for ehr. I waited for her. I wnated to call her.

But I couldn't.

Why?

It was late. And her phone was confiscicated.

I felt bad.

I got her a present. Her birthday was round the corner.

Sadly, I feel that her heart isn't with me anymore. Whispers and snippets of talk sort of pointed that way. I don't care. I'm gonna love her and hold her forever. Or as long as I can.

That dream of mine a few weeks back. Premonitions? She seems to believe so. So what? Is she going to give me up for some silly little church protocol? Where, in the bible, did it say that teenage relationsips were not allowed? I sure as hell ain't in this for lust. And neither is she, me thinks.

Dark are my thoughts. Mingled be my feelings. Evil are the words I speak. Hidden are my emotions.

Twisted are the whispers of the future.

And still, the deluge rages

2004-10-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty much a repsite from all da stupid studying (not thta i do much of those). I went out with my 2nd unna, and we watched resident Evil: Apocalpyse. It was the 2nd time for me, so it was PRETTY predictable. Still nice though. My Dongsaeng DId call me though. That was sweet of her. Yeahz... My hunny kitten...Oppa's glad you came clean with him. Oppa would rather just stay your oppa and know what you have on your mind then have you as his girlfriend and be totally ignorant of your thoughts. Honestly, you should talk to oppa more. Remeber, you said that relationships were built on trust. If you cannot even tell me about stuff liek this over the phone or in real life, how can we possibly communicate, much less trust each other? You used to be more open with Oppa... What happened? What changed?

2004-10-20T01:06:00.001-07:00

So bored I am... Dongsaeng and I haven'treally chatted with each other for a while... Her blog hasn't been updated too. Might be going out tomorrow to get her the Sum 41 album. Haiz... she doen't want to take a picture with me... Haiz... I am so speechless... Keeps talking baout how "Weird" it will be. Hmmz... Anyway... Had a weird dream last night. Dreamt that I met up with members from my previous church... Especially with 2 of my leaders. I even blurted out why I left church. This is weird. Never thought I'd actually dream of think of them. Dongsang, if you read this, I dream that sister Serena asked me of us. this might be a premonition, or it might just be adelusionm. It's up to yo to decided. I'd advise caution.

2004-10-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

Today was such a horrendous day... bad enough that today was the first day of my 'O's, but I had to be kept in the stupid lock-up are from 0930 to 1330 with nothing to do! Well... I did listen to my Korean Alt. Rock(MOON HEE JUN! MOON HEE JUN!) for about... 10 mins before my friend commandered the discman... *Grumbles* Well... at least I had tme to miss my kiddo... hahaz... Sat around with friends, talking crap for about 2 whole odd hours... before FINALLY being released. had lunch with folks, came home.... played game (LORD OF THE RINGS *Preciousssssss* kekez), before calling my dear little kitten... talked to her much... listening to her voice makes me feel so happy... ^o^ ;P Anways... now, I feel a little too satiated.. ate too much probably... Hhaz... That's all for da moment... annyong!

Twillight to Dawn

2004-10-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

It's finally over. My torment. My fear. My pain. My anger.

My sorrow.

It all started with that stupid little tiff. I should have kept my trap shut, swallowed my pride, and smiled. But No, I HAD to get pissed off and had that stupid little outburst that caused my Dongsaeng to cry. Chun mal Mi An hae. Oppa Dongsaeng Chun mal sarang hae.

I'm glad it's cleared up now.

Now, I'll just concentrate on her. And my studies, of course. Right now? I'm hungry. I need some sustenance.... Fresh blood....

Just Kidding. When will I get a chance to take a picture with my Dongsaeng? *Sighs* That's all for the moment. Annyong

2004-10-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

I must have been out of my mind. I can't believe I actualyl got so pissed with my dongsaeng. I guess I overreacted a little. Can you blame me? I love her so, yet she treats me so. Sighz... Is it possible for me to salvage this seemingly impossible situation? I can't sleep without knowing how this whole damned mess will turn out. I am so sleepless. I am so depressed.I am so pissed. I am so... mingled.... I guess it was partly my fault, but it just shows how much I value her... I mean, can't *She* see it? Can *you*? Because I love oyu so, every word you say matters to me. It may be a small comment, but it affects your oppa... Every single move you make affects your oppa... I am so sorry... Chun mal sarang hae yo... It is all my fault... I'm a thrice-damned bastard... I am so sorry.... I apologise.... Chun mal min an hae... Oppa To Sarang hae! Chun mal sarang hae! But I guess it's too late for me to say this... It's all too damned late... Damned... Damned it all....... Fuck................... *breaks down* *Cries*

Anger, Depression, Pissed off... ACCUSED!

2004-10-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty much a blast before THAT incident. We had a great time together, didn't we? The fun, the games? Even Basketball was ok.. Even though I HATE the damned game. Remember the part where I sent you home? I held your tiny hand all the way... I was so happy then. I was still happy till you told me how you were PISSED with me for "flirting"... HELLO!?! Girl? Wake Up! Oppa's still human ok? You may be my beloved Dongsaeng, but there's a limit to control... I know I promised you Oppa wouldn't get angry with you, but this crosses the line. Firstly, I normally don't give a FARK about my girlfriend's friends and companions, and secondly, I NEVER flirted today (Except with you, my sour little kitten). I was just being nice to your friends. Ever heard the chinese term "Ai Wu Ji Wu"? It means to love everything associated with a particular something ( or someone). I was afraid Jane would get bored with Zhi Zhong being sick and not there and all, so I talked and joked with her. Gavin is temperamental, and so, seeing that he was mostly preoccupied with HIMSELF, and sort of neglecting Cheryl, I, out of KINDNESS and BENEVOLENCE, talked to her to relief some of her boredom. Thirdly, if I had WANTED to flirt, I wouldn't have asked you out, comprendè?

I love you, alright? I love you, and so, I dote on you, but there's a limit to compromising and accomadating before it gets plain droll and ridiculous. Oppa's already apologised for something he did not do, so, get over it, alright? I'm so pissed with you I can shatter walls with my uncontrollable discontent right now. Listen up sunshine, Oppa's had enough. Either you wise up, and accept me and CLARIFY your doubts before JUMPING to senseless conclusions, or else, you should jolly well call me and talk it out. Oppa's just showing you what the real world is like. In the real world, this is how people treat each other. Reality bites, and so do I. Be careful, alright? You're dangerously close to seeing the other side of me, the reason I am known as Winterflame. Oppa's been a tad bit foolish with you, and I've treated you better than most of my previous girlfriends.If you don't believe, go ask around. Oppa has NEVER gave a damn about their friends and their problems, yet, I have unconditionally shown you love when it was not returned, concern when you were too busy wallowing in your self-pity (too busy to notice my existence, weren't you?). I have ALSO been extremely kind to not SCREW any of your friends upside down (which I normally WOULD have) in any of the conferences thus far.

This are my exact sentiments right now. You got a problem with them, you better get them sorted out with me, or else, you can start packing, junior.

2004-10-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

Haven't been updating for the past two days. Was a little busy with life. Miss my dongsaeng so much. Think i might be goin gotu with her today. WEEZ... so happy. Yesterday was a blast too. sometimes i feel a lil overwhelmed by my dongsaeng. Hahaz.

We took laods of pics yeterday. So many of em. I used to hate taking pictures. Guess my hunny kitten has affected my perception... Hahahz. Loads of tears yesterday. I sort of feel sad...it's been a rough 4 years inschool... Lots of sweating, blood, toil and effort, but lots of fun too. I can almost wish it would never end. ALMOST. Hahaz... i can alway svisit the school...? Hahaz... I don't know. So stuck on thinking what hairstyle and colour i should have for the prom... and WHAT should I wear?

Just came back from jogging... Gonna dance nows... Annyong!

Depressed

2004-10-13T03:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today was not much of a difference, I guess. I talked to "her" last night, till the medicine made me too sleepy to think straight. I've been a bad oppa. I've called her pet names she doesn't like... I replied late. I'm ignoring her slightly cuz of my classes and exams... And my revision for my 'O's... I've been so bad... i deserve the abuse I get at times... But.. did she have to say "I Hate you!" ? Did she? Does she not know how much it hurts me when she says that? I can take that from everyone except my mum, "her" and my older god-sisters... Of all people, she had ot say those dreaded words... I'm too depressed to go online anymore today... Sorry if you've anything to tell me, Kiddo, but Oppa need a little time... Alone..

2004-10-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

Feeling a lil dreadful at the moment. I feel weird ahving a "part=time girlfriend" while I am fully in love with my Yotongseng. I don't know what to do. I can't really bear to break with my "part-time", because I know that she pretty much likes me... of course, she wouldn't admit it. I feel so terrible... But... What can I do? What SHOULD I do? I shoudl never have gotten into this "part-time boyfriend" thing, but how was I to know that my Yotongseng would confess? and how was I to know my feelings or her were more than normal? *Sighz* Belahz! *ruffles own hair* Acks... Why is this Sekai so friggin messeed up? Sshibal! Lord... Is thsi your test for me? I don't know. I'm confused. I just know a day without my little kitten, I would wither away. It has been a long time since such feelings have been felt. Perhaps my true self is awakening? I don't know. Wish I knew something...

2004-10-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Today was a blast. First off, I talked to my Yotongseng till the wee hours, then had a great sleep, beore going for chruch, and then a full day out! We wnet places like flea market and shopped round like crazy. I finally bought Shinhwa's 7th album "Brand New" at a whopping price of $19.95 (considering it's an import). Of course, the day wouldn't eb complete without *her*. We literally smsed half the time I was out. I felt a little guilty neglecting my friend, but I felt worse when I didn't sms *her*... Ahh... My yotongseng... How long must I pine for thee? How much I shall miss thee when the tests come... I shall waste away, perhaps in sorrow... Doth this torment never end??? Mine soul is bereft of its mate, and doth the object of it's completion... Ok... that was a little dramatic... but I'm just having so many thoughts and feeligns now.... Yotongseng...... Sarang hae... Chun mal sarang hae!

yo tong seng... oppa to sarang hae

2004-10-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

It'e been a while since i last updated, hasn't it? Lots of things happened recenlt. Heaps upon heaps of stuff. I'm a little confused. Happy and sad. Excited and bored. Mingled... So mingled. i am no H.I.C (human individual clone)... I am an I... I am me. I am me... but... at the same time... I'm not me. Some part of me is lost. I think a girl has that part of me. Who is she? I don't know. Is she the one? Is she my Yotongseng? Or is she still out there? I don't know. My Yotongseng has been around for quite a while. I always knew she was going to be intertwined with my fate. But... in this way? I can't... I'm her oppa. I want to protect. I don't want to hurt her. Not at all.. Never want to hurt her. Why? I don't know. Just my beliefs: Oppa must always protect younger sibs. I know she loves me. And so do I, but I'm such a flirt. I may change for her... But... BUT... Can I finally stop? I don't know. Why am I so confused? Damned. Damn it all! Sshibal! God! Save me... Please...

I think... That's all for today. Annyong

Brain Cells Killing Ritual

2004-08-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

1) Strain yourself
2) Get irritated by others
3) Stretch yourself as thin as you can
4) Worry about people close to you, especially on their social and spiritual lives
5) Worry about work or studies
6) Reach out but fail
7) Get pressured by impending exams
8)Sleep a little less
9) Have more social activities
10) Eat less
11) Have more arguments in school about religion
12) Get shocked when your recently recovered friend decides to backslide and refuses to listen to you
13)Congratulations! You've managed to kill at least 3 brain cells... Repeat and lather, as mucha s needed

Anguish of the framed... Sentence passed without a trial

2004-08-13T05:59:00.001-07:00

There was this man who was once sentenced to death for making a statement... The funny thing was, he was executed without a trial, as many others CLAIMEd to have heard him make the statement, without verifying if the staement they were going to incriminate him on was the statement he made... and thus, he was sentenced to hanging, but he was hung by his foot, such that he would die, but a death so slow that he wouldn't notice until finally, the blood vessels burst... All the while, the man was to continue to live, with food and drink provided... Was this trial fair?

Weather Report: Get the Drift

2004-07-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Extreme change in weather... When caught alone, please brace yourself for a change in the weather as a Storm is coming your way... Due to the ever-changing ability and unpredictability of the storm, We have named it Chamchi-Change... It is a change in the winds, one that will change a Sunny and warm day into one that is sometimes unpleasent.....

Missionary: Story of my English teacher....

2004-07-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have an English teacher, whose name is Ms Goh... She's strict in class, no doubt, fierce to a certain extent... but she always had a quality about her that you just feel comfortable being about her... I never knew this was the glory and light of God that was shining through her... until I myself became a christian...

I was a very rebeliious student... lazy to boot... I never completed assignments, and as I was good in English especially, I did what I felt like doing and skipped the rest... this, of course, resulted in several conflicts with my teacher, btu never once did she punish me... She somehow knew that I was being rebellious, and knew that punishments weren't the best cure for it...

This year, I was thought by the English H.O.D of our school... never did know I would miss Miss Goh's way of teaching... one day... When I spoke to her, she told me something that I never thought i'd hear... She was leaving the school... I began to wonder at the reasons... one can hardly fathom what could cause a teacher who loved teaching to leave...

Finally, when I became a christian, I asked again, and she told me it was a call from God... and then... I understood... She helped me whatever way she could when I was till a "Baby" Christian, helping me grope my way through Genesis and the few other chapters.... I am grateful always for the chance to know Ms Goh... If nothing else, I thank God for this chance to tell her story... I thank God for letting me meet someone who is so blessed..

People who are christains, I would like to beseech you to pray for her... She is wanting to reach out to a very "Hard-ground" area... Thailand... Thank you for reading this

Diary of the past week

2004-07-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

The second entry for my diary.... The pain at the right side of my lower chest is starting to dissipate... I have no idea why it's there in the first place.. IO hope it'll just disappear... Gets in my way of doing things... and pain isn't somethinig that doctors can give you proper medication for... and what makes it worse is that my father doubts this pain that i've suffered for a week and more... can you believe that? "Are you putting on a show" he says... yeah... I put on a show alright, put on a happy mask to not let them see me in pain!! Sheesh... My dad's getting worse with age... But there ain't nothign I can do about it, I guess, so all I can do is bear with it... that's it then... Annyong

Sign of things to come?

2004-06-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

My ribs began to hurt a while back. my right rib area... what is it??? I have no idea.. neither did the doctor have any... She gave me some medicine, and gave me a 2-day MC... and an ominous X-Ray form... What's gonna happen to me????

Prison of Souls

2004-06-28T01:30:00.000-07:00

If sorrow was a poison, then loneliness is the prison of the soul... More often than not, people are in need of company, whatever their purposes, and sometimes, due to certain reasons( some very real, albeit a little ridiculous)like appearences, they are ignored their cry for help... Was this deliberate ignorance of a plea for help murder....?

YES...

When you ignore a person's cry for help, you slay the spirit, just as surely as David slew Goliath... I ,myself was once slain... not once, but many times by people I thought were my close friends... Many of them may not know it... But I was hurt so bad I could hardly move anymore : My spirit was dying... God sent help a this point, sending my Godsis to me... We were never really close, but after recognising the same emptiness she had in me, We became real close ,real quick... But still, It was never enough...

then, He came into my life... I accepted Christ Jesus, My Lord and Saviour... He mended my broken spirit, my rended heart, and began to make me strong, using my Godsis as a non-Christian medium, and the church as a poultice, and soon, not only was my soul healed and filled, it began to grow...

Friends, God is offering you this hance to accept him... those Non-Christians reading this... Come now to god... He has a great plan for your life... Don't waste it...!

Tangible Presence of God

2004-06-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

On 27/06/2004, there was a party, during which my friends andI had fun togther... little did we know that after that, we would have an encounter with our Creator...

There wasn't any plan, we jus went... We decided to go to Chien Thye's house for a little free and easy before school reopened... without any idea of wat to do, chien thye strummed his guitar, and we were on our way; we decided to praise and worship...

Into the first worship song, I was already in tears, falling before the presence of the Almighty, weak and vulnerable... Crying out all I had to confess to Him... As the worship continued, a strong presence of God descended upon the congregation... If i had to decribe to non-believers, a presence was felt, and the presence was like an electric current that flowed freely in the room...

As we prayed and lay hands on each other, God began to move in our lives like never before... I felt totally paralyzed before My Lord and Saviour, and once, after falling, I could not move, and could not even muster strength to stand up, as if the Almighty was holding me down... I just submitted myself then, and the Almighty cleansed me right there of all my restlessness and rebellion... I had never felt such a presence of god on just myself alone...

If god could do something for an impromptu meeting, I'm sure he can do much more for palnned events... I believe He will come into our presnece when 2 or 3 are gathered in this name, if they are sincere and have a deep wanting for Him... Amen

Diary of the past week

2004-06-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

This is my first diary entry for this Blog..so enjoy...

Time really flies... school is reopening in three days, and here I am, still stuck in that limbo... Where did all my time go? Guess ain't gonna do me no good to gripe, but... seriously, did I really sleep everything away? Amnesia? Maybe... but who cares... Amnesia might be the best thing for me... No more worries... Well... that's it it guess...

The male dancer

2004-06-16T03:11:00.000-07:00

Many people have misconceptions about male dancers... sure, they don't have no problems with B-boys or hi-hoppers, but what is so wrong wit being interested in other dances? I woud like to defend the honour of male dancers..... here are some common ideas that I will correct.....

1) We aren't gay...(well, not all of us... some are, but...)
2) We DO NOt wear G-strings (dude, use your head... G-strings hurt when you dance...)
3) We aren't sissies.... most of us are pretty fit.. (Btw, someone define manliness and sissiness for me)
4) Dancers are people who are proud of their hobby: dancing... so uys.. Buzz off! Who ever sadi that Basketball or soccer ain't gay?

And so... the inexhaustible list will dragon forever, but this are the more common ones... I will add more to the list as people give me feedback

Life is bleak..... The Lord as my stronghold....

2004-06-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

Life has always been difficult when you are different from everybody else... You get attention that you don't need;ostracised, discrimination, unfair prejudices... And even your love life can be turbulent... Is this how you were meant to live?

The answer....?

No

God created people like me and you, people who are different to compliment with the average people.. the other people who have this deserate need to fit in... However, being called to be the salt and the light ain't no walk in the park... The Lord is my stronghold, where I draw strength from... What about you? Are you sick and tired of relying on yourself? Come... join me in being different, yet the same...

Sorrow as to a scorpion's poison.....

2004-06-16T02:51:00.000-07:00

Sorrow is like sting of a tiny scorpion... even in small amounts, it paralyzes the soul, slows the pulse, and petrifies the body.. leading into the enticing embrace of Death....

Bleak Winter

Pre CNY high

Pulling myself together

Solitude, Sin, Sorrow

Amor llevado de la lluvia

My absolute madness

The STAR is rising! *RAWR*

blah blah.. what the heck?

Kidnap the Sandy Claws... Lock him in a box...

Hope in Darkness

Clouded Eternity

Phantasmagoria

Forgotten Memories: My heart lies torn in the moonlight

Sins, Agression, Moi Meme Moite.. FEAR

Woo hoo... and ugh....

Hetero, Bi, Homo... *Sigh*

For Him the bells toll

Mixed feelings and isomnia

Birthday!

spring time Scent: LOVE!!!

Condition of my Heart

Depression amid joy

New beginning

Forgotten memoirs

Malice, Destruction and Hate

Working blues

Pre-Prom Night Blues

Of Idols and Men

Sucky day

Zuo Yu Wei Nan (Troubled on both sides)

Fatigue, Pain and Fun.

Drifting

Bunshinsaba

Twisted Whispers

Twillight to Dawn

Anger, Depression, Pissed off... ACCUSED!

Depressed

yo tong seng... oppa to sarang hae

Brain Cells Killing Ritual

Anguish of the framed... Sentence passed without a trial

Weather Report: Get the Drift

Missionary: Story of my English teacher....

Diary of the past week

Sign of things to come?

Prison of Souls

Tangible Presence of God

Diary of the past week

The male dancer

Life is bleak..... The Lord as my stronghold....

Sorrow as to a scorpion's poison.....

The STAR is rising! RAWR

Hetero, Bi, Homo... Sigh